Three Ideas That Will Get You Started When You Have To Hold A Difficult Conversation
Topics: difficult conversations, speaking up, improving relationships, improving communication
Talking is easy when people see the world in much the same way, when they know they can trust each other, when they have the best interests of each other at heart and when there is time to agree on exactly what has happened. It is all the other times that are the problem: when there is disagreement, when people have hidden agendas, when you are feeling accused or threatened, when you have been deceived or let down previously, and when the stakes are high.
Difficult conversations are unavoidable at times. As managers, we dread performance appraisal discussions with people who are not performing, but who are defensive at the least suggestion of feedback. As employees, we dread feedback from managers who give it loudly, in voices dripping with sarcasm, in front of our colleagues. We face difficult conversations with friends, neighbours and in personal and family relationships. And then there is the conversation we keep putting off with the colleague in the open plan office whose personal hygiene is suspect to say the least!
It is not difficult to see why people try to avoid these conversations. There are many strategies that we turn to. We retreat to the TV, hide behind a newspaper or become absorbed in a book. We deflect enquiry, freezing out friends and partners with the classic, No, no, I am fine, really! Then, knowing that attack is the best form of defense, we blame, accuse and exaggerate when we can hold our feelings in no longer.
When we do not speak up about things that concern us, the issues remain unresolved, relationships disintegrate, and we end up talking less and less. But it is surprising how little it takes to make the difference between a conversation that sounds like a street fight and a calm discussion of the issue that leads to agreement on a solution.
Start with three ideas.
First, take the age old advice to think before you speak and plan what you will say BEFORE you open the conversation. Count to 10. While you are counting, look at the situation from the perspective of the other person. While you may think that they are the cause of the problem, it is quite likely they feel just as strongly that you are the cause of the problem! There are always at least two sides to a problem. If you try to see sides other than your own, you are less likely to come across as arrogant, accusing and pushy.
Then focus on the facts. What exactly happened? Who said what? When? How? Where? Describe the events as clearly and precisely as you can. Try to separate the facts from your own opinions and how you feel about the situation. If you put the facts forward clearly, you allow people to hold different views of them, without having to challenge the facts themselves.
Thirdly, put a label on how you feel. Are you disappointed, embarrassed, uncertain, apprehensive, confused, hurt? Think how you can explain your feelings without accusing anyone of causing them. The difference between, I was embarrassed, and, You embarrassed me, is the accusation in the second statement that will come across loud and clear. You can be sure that if the person you are speaking to feels accused they will start to defend themselves, and the conversation will be all downhill from that point.
Start with these ideas and see what a difference they can make to your conversations and to your relationships with the people around you.
Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people.
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