Speak Up: Confront Difficult Conversations And Improve Communication
Topics: Difficult conversations, speaking up, improving communication
Ask yourself how many of your current problems; the ones that haunt you, the ones you feel most guilty about, the ones that make your blood boil; were problems last year too. How many are issues that you have been scared to confront in case you made things worse? I am not sure that our high level of stress comes from all the new stuff we have to deal with, as much as from all the old stuff we never properly resolve. You will feel better when you clear out the clutter of long term, unresolved conflicts. More than likely, the other person will too.
We communicate poorly about difficult issues, both at work and in our personal relationships. We tolerate the toxic behaviour of colleagues; we take verbal abuse from family members; we bite our tongues when faced with lack of consideration from friends. Sometimes we do not speak up at all. Other times we do try, but it is not effective and so nothing changes. We skirt around the real issues, hoping that a hint or maybe a sarcastic comment will do the trick. But have you ever met anyone who could take a hint?
So nothing changes. We put up with the situation, try to ignore it, work around it, minimize the damage it does, until one day, we do, finally, speak up. And inevitably rue that day! We burst out with blame and accusation, emotions run high, and things get worse not better. Since there is no effective discussion of causes or solutions, the problem does not go away. The only change we manage to create is to the relationship, and guess what, we just made that worse! Do you really want to carry on like this?
Where are you not speaking up?
What are you not saying?
With whom are you not facing reality?
On what issues are you keeping quiet?
It is undeniable that you need skill to make really difficult conversations safe. On the other hand, the longer you leave things to fester, the more difficult it is to face them. Set yourself a goal. Promise yourself that before the week is out you will step up to a conversation in a relationship where there is a problem, and say what is on your mind.
First, select the conversation carefully. Start with a small issue in a safe relationship. Do not start by telling your manager you do not like his management style!
Then plan what you will say. What exactly do you need to talk about? Plan how you will open the conversation, introducing the issue in a way that does not accuse or blame. One of the simplest openings is to ask if you can talk about the issue, being careful to label it in a neutral way. At work, you might say to an employee, Can we talk about your time keeping. If you said, Can we talk about your continual late-coming, you have already put the person on the defensive.
Next, put the facts of the matter on the table. Again, avoid accusations and blame. Facts are just facts, and the more specific and more detailed you make them, the more easily the other person will be able to see how you arrived at your opinion or conclusion about them. In the time keeping example, you might say, I noticed that you came in twenty minutes late yesterday and again this morning.
Now you can offer your opinion, or explain how you feel about the situation. You might say, You are usually very punctual, so I am concerned there may be a problem.
Then ask the person for their information or view of the situation. Remember that there are always two sides to any problem. Once you have given your side of the story, you need to hear from the other person. How do they see the situation? If you have not been accusing when you opened the conversation, they should be able to tell you quite easily. If they react defensively, it is likely that they feel threatened or accused by what you have said or how you have said it, and will be reluctant to speak up.
When you use this approach to improve communication, you make it safe for difficult issues to be brought out into the open where they can be discussed openly. It is only by doing so that they can ever be resolved.
Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people.
Get free Straight Talk Tips. www.straight-talk.co.za
Previous Articles Highlighter:
Finding A Reliable Paint Contractor (1)
There are other factors that determine a good contractor, not just price. One of the most important factors to consider is the contractor's attitude towards you, your property and the project itself.
The Best Color Scheme For Your Blog (2)
What you have to understand is that the color scheme will convey the overall feel and mood of the site. Colors have a large impact on how people view what they are looking at and whether or not it is appealing.
Want To Sell Your Annuity? Take A Look! (3)
You may only need enough to buy a car, so the payments you agree to sell are transferred to the buyer and then the remainder reverts back to you. Again, using an expert in this field would be wise.
Are You Buying Carpet For The First Time? (4)
Many tubs are only 5 to 5 and a half feet long, so if you're planning on staying in your home for a while and 6 feet tall people are living with you, get the bigger tub if it will fit in the space you have in mind.
Information About Bluetooth Technology And Proximity Advertising (5)
This is an excellent way for the police and other authoritative figures to broadcast a missing persons information and even their picture over peoples cell phones through use of bluetooth!
5 Ways To Use Moroccan Lamps To Brighten Your Home (6)
Because these Moroccan lamps feature henna colored shades, they have a warm glow that give off ambient light in your room. Moroccan Star Lamps Moroccan lamps in the shapes of stars have been seen in many of the most upscale restaurants and resort areas.
Ten Simple Tips For Document Drying (7)
8. Do not use sprays on the water damaged documents as these can further damage them by staining these important documents. 9. Freezing your documents is a costly but a safe and fast step towards the process of document drying.
Water Damage Restoration Of A Flooded Basement Can Be Easy (8)
It is only when the storms, the nor'easters or the hurricanes strike that results in flooded basement. These days however I do not worry so much about the basement being flooded.
Why You Should Not Ignore Water Removal (9)
Your walls stained, your documents wet, your ceiling bulging, your basements flooded, your carpets and rugs shrunken and almost everything you see in your house is water, water and more water.
Some Advice About Children And Their Pets (10)
When this animal gets mad, sometimes it might tear up the newspaper or the toilet paper. If this animal is not housebroken, it will leave all kinds of smelly messes for you to clean up.
Newer Articles Highlighter:
Decorating Your Home With Glass Block (1)
End, corner, and new 45- to 90-degree blocks allow for glass walls to curve, turn, and be built in different shapes. A wide range of sizes, available from most manufacturers, allows for a multitude of variations, such as combining small and large blocks to create interesting designs.
Ways To Be Careful When Driving In The Rain (2)
You need to make sure the motor is running right and well so it does not freeze up on you when it is raining. If it is coming down too hard, then you don't need to be out in it.
Fires Still Raging And Threatening Homes Out West (3)
The value of property is a main concern for the people who live in these homes and run these businesses that can be affected when wildfires break out and encroach as close as fifty miles from highly inhabited areas like Los Angeles.
Quick, Easy And Corporate: Business Stopovers In Thailand (4)
Executive suites give you the space and amenities to focus solely on what you need to do. VIP treatment is the norm at this airport hotel in Bangkok, both in the service and the room facilities.
Government Aid Package To Help First-Time Home Buyers - More Stamp Duty Exemption (5)
It also announced HomeBuy Direct scheme allowing those with low incomes to sell a share of their home and rent it back. With the financial turmoil and rising food and petrol prices, many home owners are facing repossession or the possibility of approaching home purchases to buy their home and rent it back to them.
A Survey Job Online For Extra Cash (6)
The more surveys you sign up for the more money you will make. Taking surveys is a numbers game and a credibility game. Survey companies need to know that they can depend on you to fill out the surveys when they send them to you.
Why Are Old Games So Much Better Than New Ones? (7)
There are a few examples of some games that we will now take a look at which are still around on the current generation of games consoles, but are just not as fun as they used to be.
What Does A Real Estate Consultant Do? (8)
They can work out a lot of the details and business prospects of a property before you have to talk to a salesperson. Once you face the salesperson, you can approach the negotiation fully armed with an array of appropriate information, and thus avoid being bamboozled and negotiate from a position of strength.
The Benefits Of Hiring A Real Estate Consultant (9)
You might consider hiring a real estate consultant. Real estate consultants can focus on a number of different aspects of your business. Real estate consultants can specialize in many different aspects of the real estate business, or they can provide comprehensive consulting services.
Can Credit Limit Reduction Help Your Credit Score? (10)
However, they are good candidates for credit limit reductions. Long term accounts with lower credit limits can work well for you to boost your credit score in the long run.
Permalink to Speak Up: Confront Difficult Conversations And Improve Communication